I came across a prayer journal of mine from 2003-2004.  It was the darkest time of my life.  It was a time of loneliness, depression, and sin.  I knew the path of destruction that was ahead of me if I continued in my ways, but I kept going anyway.

I read the story of a girl who felt so rejected and unloved that she thought the only answer was to become someone else, to forsake who she was and, above all, forsake God who truly loved and cherished her. 

What gets me is that even during that time, I continued to read my Bible and write in the journal.  Time and time again, my words were “God, save me. I don’t want to live like this anymore”, but I kept slipping farther and farther away. I knew God was with me.  Why didn’t I trust Him? Why did I constantly cry out to Him for help, but then refuse to accept it? As I  sat in my closet reading my words from ten years ago, I began to cry and I  asked myself those questions.  I don’t know the answer, but I do know God NEVER gave up on me.

There was so much pain and sadness written on those pages. If I could go back in time, I would tell that girl that she was loved and that God had great plans for her.  I would tell her not to give up and to cling tightly to Him. 

God still loves me and has great plans for me…of this I’m sure.  I can’t erase what happened, but I can move forward with full assurance that God has redeemed me.

That sad, lonely girl is gone. She sometimes tries to show her face, but I kindly tell her to go away. I remind her that she doesn’t live here anymore.

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