I have been going to an exercise class at my church on Monday nights.  They claimed it was for “all fitness levels”, but seriously, it was not for beginners!  The first night I went, I was exhausted from just the warm up, and I could not keep up with the class.  After that, I told myself, “This is too hard; I am NOT going back!”  Well, I went back, and I’ve gone 4 or 5 times now.  I still cannot keep up, but I do my best, and I feel so much better after it’s all over.

This past Monday I was doing the class as usual, and of course, I stay on the back row so no one can watch me, other than the instructor.  Well, at the end she decided to change it up, and had us divide up in pairs and race against other pairs, running back and forth to different cones, then doing 10 jumping jacks at the end.  This is where the insecurity set in.  I started feeling really nervous and I really didn’t want to do it because I knew I would be last and everyone would be standing there watching me.  I am the heaviest, most out of shape member of the class.  We had 2 rounds.  I did the first round, and yes, I was the last one, but the next group went for their 2nd round so I finished and tagged my partner.  When she came back to me though, I saw that everyone was finishing, so I gave up and didn’t complete the race.  I couldn’t stand the thought of 9 or 10 other people finishing before me and just watching me til I finished.  I had a flashback of my junior high days, being the heaviest girl who couldn’t keep up with the others, the girl that the guys would laugh at and make MOO sounds, implying that I was a fat cow. So I quit and hid behind my partner til we moved on to the stretching portion of the class.  I was really embarrassed, but I held in the tears and finished the rest of the class.

So anyway, I’m not sure what the point of this blog is.  I am proud of myself for losing the weight I’ve lost so far, and for sticking with the class, but I am disappointed in myself for allowing the insecurity and fear to  get in the way.  I want to change my life, which is why I started this journey.  I want to be healthy, and I want to have more confidence in myself, so I don’t always feel like the “fat girl” and let it hinder me from accomplishing greater things.

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